Palabras. Words.

Today I had a woman that I don’t even know tell me she was proud of me and I don’t know exactly what it was, but it did it. It made me feel recognized and finally really proud of what I’m doing here. I have to be careful with this though, because I have some amazing cheerleaders and I really want them to know how much I appreciate all the support they have been giving me!!... I wake up almost every morning to an email from Matt telling me how proud he is of me and how smart I am and how I can do this (and I couldn’t be here right now if he weren’t at home taking care of everything for me); I have my mom and Lacy and Matt’s parents writing me all sorts of positive messages encouraging me on this journey; I have coworkers and friends following my blog and cheering me on; I have Angi daily listening to my gripes and sharing in my insecurities and making me laugh when I need it most. But this woman in my class that I’ve never talked to before today, whose name I don’t even know, just made me feel really, really good about myself. I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but I think she just turned my whole trip around…

I was in the bathroom in between classes, washing my hands and she just happened to ask how the tests went for me (this whole conversation is in Spanish, by the way, duh!!). I told her they went well and she said, “you got all A’s, right?”

I responded pretty sheepishly, “Yeah”. (I was wondering how she knew because I was very discreet with my grades)

“How’d you do it?”

“Ummm, I studied. Really hard.”

“Yeah, but how’d you do it? This isn’t your first language.” She didn’t seem to be implying in any way that I cheated, was more just incredulous that I could do it.

“I just really studied all weekend long. I haven’t been going out or doing anything fun here.”

“Wow…” long pause. At this point, Emily (fellow classmate, language nerd, native English speaker, and truly my savior in these classes and long excursion days) joins our conversation. The woman continued, “But your notes, are they in English or Spanish.”

Emily and I, “Spanish”.

“And you understand everything?”

“Yeah.” Again, she was very surprised… the conversation changed gears a little bit as we were starting to wander back into class and she added, in English with a thick, beautiful Spanish accent, “I am really proud of you girls.”

It was a really simple exchange, but so powerful for me. There is definitely an unspoken division between the native Spanish speakers and the native English speakers in our group. I think there was probably doubt as to whether or not we (non-native speakers) could hack it and probably a sense of shock when they saw that even though we sit there quietly without asking questions or participating much, that we’re getting it and doing well.

And maybe I’m reading more into this exchange, but the fact that our entire conversation was in Spanish, and then she switched to English to tell us that she was proud of us was very symbolic for me. English is my language, the language that I think and dream and have emotions in. Sure, I can think and dream in Spanish, but I usually can’t control if or when it happens. But my emotions are always, and probably will always be, in English. To have her switch to my language to tell me she was proud of me was powerful and meant more than if she had said it in Spanish.

Angi and I have had this conversation before that words are super powerful. It took me a long time before I would refer to Matt as my boyfriend, and then we got engaged and I really struggled with the word fiancé and then just shortly after that we were married. I can now use the word husband without having an anxiety attack. But words, the tone, and the language that you use are powerful. They’re loaded with unspoken meaning.

The unspoken and spoken meaning that I got today was one that I had been dying to hear since I got here. I have had many people try to give me this message, but I’ve been ignoring them, just telling myself that they’re just being nice and telling me what I want to hear. I think I needed to hear it from someone who didn’t know me or my insecurities in order to truly believe them.